Uncertainty is the worst kind of foe. Yet uncertainty constantly haunts our every second, every minute, hour and day. Tomorrow is uncertain. Next year is uncertain. Uncertainty robs you of your confidence. Confidence is already such a fragile thing, so why would we want any reason to start second-guess our own judgements, principles, opinions?

The reason why I'm writing this is because I have now faced uncertainty on many fronts in the past few months. Firstly, SPM. Did I do good enough? Did I study hard enough? Am I good enough? These types of questions are the worst kind of questions to ask yourself, let alone think about. As much as I knew how detrimental it is to even think it, self-doubt has its way of sneaking into your sub-conscious to make a mess of things. On one side, I knew that I was already doing more than I have ever done before for any exam, even my PMR and UPSR (in fact, they just don't compare). My sleeping and eating patterns were in disarray. For someone who usually studies last minute, I was studying quite a lot (more than usual anyway). For my trials, I would study for hours in my room, emerge only for dinner and then sleep a few hours to wake up to study some more for a couple of hours before school. I was surprised at myself.

But the other side would nudge me about how I only began truly studying with a few months to go to the exam, how I still played around a bit, watched tv, and of course, a lot of my peers doing much better than me. No matter how good my results were, I thought it wasn't good enough because one, it wasn't perfect straight As and two, it was not the best because there was always someone else who got a higher score.

For me, my worst critic is myself. I don't care much about how much others expect of me because the one that has the highest expectations is me. Because I know my own capabilities. Most of the time, if I look back at my test papers, I would get frustrated because the mistakes I made were careless and I knew the answers. But somehow, I slipped up during the exam. That's why I'm scared for my results coming out this coming March. I still can remember my papers and where I probably messed up. I'm worried the most about my Add. Maths, Chemistry (there was this one 10 mark essay I know I messed up completely), and Sejarah. Other worrying ones are the other Science subjects (Physics and Biology) because they simply are harder.

Oh, the chills! The horror! I need to get straight A's for my SPM - not just because my future depends on it but also because I don't think I can settle for anything less.
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