Perhaps my previous 2 posts are a little freaky, in the sense that well, 1) I appear to have a morbid fascination with older men and 2) this is coming from someone that is about 2 months shy of her 18th birthday. Maybe, probably, a little wrong in whatever sense of that word. In short, I'm kinda too young to have deep crushes on older men...in theory. I'm not trying to prove my normality or anything here, but I do like young guys too.

Crushing on mega hot 40-something actors should be forgiven, in any case. Scrolling down on my Yummy! list will more or less show some of my 'crush factors', because there are similar traits between them, don't you think? Stubble on an otherwise chiselled jaw, gray in dark locks of hair, lines to interrupt smooth skin... They stand as a testament that Hollywood is not all perfection and that to be attractive is to be young and beautiful. Its a complete aversion of what's thought to be universally ideal - youth. Not just the men though. There are some Hollywood actresses allowing themselves the ultimate human weakness - to age - and while they're at it, to age gracefully too. I really like watching Diane Keaton and Meryl Streep. They were heavyweights during younger days on the silver screen but even now, they're as lovely and compelling as ever. Proves that age is never a hindrance.

Don't you just love it? To me, it lightens the pressure of having to compete with so many beautiful people out there. While now they can be so gorgeous, later they may be fighting (then usually failing) to retain their youthful beauty. And the rest of us can be at peace.

I just finished reading the book everybody else is reading at the moment, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. I really liked it...in a way. Its difficult to explain. I knew full well before purchasing the book and flipping to the first page that as many reviews claimed, it was a young adult fiction. Its target audience is teenage girls. Hence, a mushy romantic fantastical love story between a ungodly perfect undead vampire with an ordinary gal. Not my kind of book. At all.

But other positive reviews (there were about an equal amount of people out there who despise the book actually) fascinated me. These reviews came from readers outside the target audience; twenty-somethings and above, career women, mothers to daughters who read the book etc. To summarise, they all basically said it was a lovely ecape from reality. It definitely wasn't real, the perfection of Edward and the other Cullens too wondrous, even the setting was dreamlike.

After reading it now myself, they were right. Like I've mentioned, I appreciate being able to escape from reality once in a while.

Reading it was like succumbing to the deepest, most hidden desire of most women (I won't try to be presumptous by saying all women) - to find and inexplicably fall in love with the most perfect man ever created and disbelievingly discover that such a person could love you back. If Bella was indeed a real person, she most probably would be dead by now. Not because Edward finally succumbed to his thirst for her blood and killed her. But because by all the crazied obsessions of teen girls everywhere over Edward (driven to wilder heights thanks to the excessive gorgeousness of Robert Pattinson as if you need any help to visualise the character) and thus, unfathomable and destructive jealousy towards Bella. Such a lucky girl should also not (be allowed to) exist. Anyway, to me it was admitting to myself, no matter how determined I am to be a realist, that I too wanted my own share of real-life magic. Deep down, given the choice, I would have gladly given up all of my notions to fall in love with someone so more out-of-league than previously deemed possible. I want my own Edward Cullen.

I mean, who was Bella Swan anyway? She was essentially, just an ordinary Jane. She could be anyone of us. But there she was, for a reason so cruelly unclear, inexplicably appealing to the magnificent Edward. Meyer had no qualms about feeding us every detail of Edward's perfection. He was not a blood-sucking, life-taking undead often portrayed in other books and movies. Sure, he was dangerous, but he was nice. He cared for humans. So all that remained was the perfection that came with being a vampire according to Meyer. Every desirable quality there was to be desired Edward had. He was so perfect, he was so unreal.
Personally, he doesn't at all seem like a vampire. More like a demi-god. Whatever.

But then, we will be reminded that Edward is far from being perfect. Because he was so perfect. (I hope you're still following me with this) He's too beautiful, so people stay away. He is dangerous, so he must stay away too. He is forever young, so forever lonely. He is doomed for eternity. I'd like to thank Meyer for the slight reality check in the midst of all the fantasy. At least, it's slightly more believable.

So, Edward and the likes of him will always remain unreal. Its a great way of releasing oneself to fantasy sometimes but not something to hope for. I'm not exactly sure of what I'm trying to really relay through all this babble but I think the idea is there. Ponder all of it for a bit. You might find something. I hope... :)

P.S. I'm gonna read the rest of the Twilight saga anyway. There's no way I'm not going to see through to the end of the fantasy Meyer managed to create in my mind.

Uncertainty is the worst kind of foe. Yet uncertainty constantly haunts our every second, every minute, hour and day. Tomorrow is uncertain. Next year is uncertain. Uncertainty robs you of your confidence. Confidence is already such a fragile thing, so why would we want any reason to start second-guess our own judgements, principles, opinions?

The reason why I'm writing this is because I have now faced uncertainty on many fronts in the past few months. Firstly, SPM. Did I do good enough? Did I study hard enough? Am I good enough? These types of questions are the worst kind of questions to ask yourself, let alone think about. As much as I knew how detrimental it is to even think it, self-doubt has its way of sneaking into your sub-conscious to make a mess of things. On one side, I knew that I was already doing more than I have ever done before for any exam, even my PMR and UPSR (in fact, they just don't compare). My sleeping and eating patterns were in disarray. For someone who usually studies last minute, I was studying quite a lot (more than usual anyway). For my trials, I would study for hours in my room, emerge only for dinner and then sleep a few hours to wake up to study some more for a couple of hours before school. I was surprised at myself.

But the other side would nudge me about how I only began truly studying with a few months to go to the exam, how I still played around a bit, watched tv, and of course, a lot of my peers doing much better than me. No matter how good my results were, I thought it wasn't good enough because one, it wasn't perfect straight As and two, it was not the best because there was always someone else who got a higher score.

For me, my worst critic is myself. I don't care much about how much others expect of me because the one that has the highest expectations is me. Because I know my own capabilities. Most of the time, if I look back at my test papers, I would get frustrated because the mistakes I made were careless and I knew the answers. But somehow, I slipped up during the exam. That's why I'm scared for my results coming out this coming March. I still can remember my papers and where I probably messed up. I'm worried the most about my Add. Maths, Chemistry (there was this one 10 mark essay I know I messed up completely), and Sejarah. Other worrying ones are the other Science subjects (Physics and Biology) because they simply are harder.

Oh, the chills! The horror! I need to get straight A's for my SPM - not just because my future depends on it but also because I don't think I can settle for anything less.

"Don't frown. You never know who's falling in love with your smile."

Since my thoughts are always so occupied with him, its only time til I will write about lurrrve. So here I go.

Well, firstly, it sucks! Its like you have no life, just wasting your brainwaves away on someone that probably doesn't give a hoot about anything to do with you. Like what's the point of it all? Why do we have to go through such daily torture? I sure as hell did not ask for it!

Breathe.

In a short story I did for Literature, The Cinderella Girl, Edward the main character who pined for the most popular girl in school but secretly liked the school reject, said "There was something to be said for unrequited love. It was safer."

Spot on. The best thing resulting from all this trouble is that you don't really get hurt. Sure, day after day, there is an endless uncertainty and shadows of doubt, but the actual crushing pain of rejection will never come. You are gradually subjecting yourself to pain nonetheless but in minute amounts. For example, certain chemicals are not harmful to the body in small amounts; most become poison in large amounts. So its like introducing would-be harmless chemicals in small amounts over time so eventually it accumulates, becomes poison and you die. Not that painful, but you die. Compare with cutting your finger. Painful of course, but fleeting. The wound will eventually heal, you may or may not have a scar depending how deep is the cut and you will, eventually, forget.

Of course, some may argue that if there were deep feelings involved, real true love, then its not so easy to forget. But that's the thing. You will, no matter how long it takes, forget. It will happen. You will meet someone else, your mind becomes occupied with other things, you will recall him less often and less vividly. Though you may not want to, as human, the older memories will fade and be replaced by newer ones.

This should actually a source of motivation for all those people who love but hesitate. It basically tells us to take the chance and jump off the cliff with your eyes closed. If you land on a patch of grass, it will be worth it. But if you so happen to hit the hard ground, you will be bruised and hurting...but you can get up. The pain will fade and you can now overcome other obstacles. Move on, simply speaking.

There was an article I read in a magazine about this woman who sees her life as a series of cliffs. She could choose to avoid them, or just try to jump across. So when she comes to a point where she needs to decide whether to jump or not, she imagines closing her eyes and shouting "WooHoo!!!" as she jumps. It doesn't matter whether she falls or flies. Its the thought that she will, eventually, land.

So all it takes is courage. Courage to jump off and take a chance. Courage to feel that it is ok to fall, and be certain that you will touch ground in the end.

I wish I had this courage. I hope by writing this, I'll be able to get some courage to take chances, no matter what the circumstances, be it for love, for career, or simply, for life.

Things to remember:
-Never be Courage the Cowardly Dog.
-The Nike slogan "Just Do It". (Worked wonders during my SPM)
-Even Black Holes lead somewhere...right?

My not-so-baby brother hogging the PS2 comes to no surprise in my house. A player myself, I get so annoyed when he just hogs the console all day long and acts as if he has exclusive rights over the PS2 and owns the bloody room. If you're reading this dearest brother, I'm not mad at you. Its just a fact of life. You have more games to play and its so important that you finish the game using every single character and combination of modes for every one of your beloved Dynasty Warriors games. I get it. And I can smile at the thought that next year is your PMR year and school opens in a couple of weeks. The PS2 will...be...mine. (evil laughter)

The other baby brother can be a spot of bother at times. What with his endless cries of "Alteman!!!" "Alteman satuuu, alteman duaaa, alteman GIGA!! DYNA!!!" (Ultraman, people. Phonetics okay?) He is now the perpetual 'budak Ultraman'. The fact that the older brother used to love watching that show when he was younger stimulated this rapid developing of my 2 year old baby brother's obsession with the not macho and mute hero figure. This is because before everything, the tv room was filled with Ultraman videos and CDs. Not to mention the figurines my brother kept and are now passed down to the younger generation. The insistent demands to watch the boring show over and over again, taking us by hand and dragging us to watch it with him... I wonder whether buying that DVD with 52 Ultraman episodes was a good idea to begin with. We now will never run out of Ultraman. Sigh.

Now its always, "Hyah! Hyah!" Play-acting Ultraman VS Even Uglier Monster fights with him can be loads of fun but I end up feeling battered. Especially if his using that impossibly rock-hard skull of his. And I always have to concede to the child right? Did I mention I have a scar to commemorate the day my brother (not the 2 year old) bit me on my stomach? (Yes, Nadim, don't you forget it) I wonder when I'll get a similar one from this little tyrant.

Believe it or not, now he's tormenting the cat. Though I can't feel sorry for Petsie. She's more annoying than the Boy Ultraman. And not nearly as adorable.

I am now at a crossroads in my life. Post-SPM, the time has finally come for me to decide once and for all what I am going to do with my life. In simpler terms, my career.

I, for one, have a lot of interests. So many that it is mind-boggling to begin on which career path to take. Nonetheless, I have managed to narrow it down to a few:

1. Biotechnology
2. Medicine
3. Law
4. Physics (or physics-related but not engineering)

These few were shortlisted because they are either one of my interests, have a good job market or both. Not helping things though is the fact that all do interest me to a certain extent. The dilemma.

So it boils down to this: Money...or Interest?

Life would be simple if the phrase "Money makes the world go round" was false. But its not.

The problem lies in the fact that out of all four, I have the most interest and capability in Physics. Yes, Physics happens to be my best subject (besides English). But the market for physics-related jobs is rather poor in Malaysia. The argument against that is: Find a job outside Malaysia then! Easier said than done.

The other three, holding lesser interest for me somewhat, have better job markets. Medicine and Law are the best, more likely to be able to offer very handsome salaries if things go well.

Ah, choices, choices! Money is very important as it ensures security and comfortable living (not forgetting my retail therapy too). Interest however, seems more important because it basically is what motivates you everyday to get your lazy ass out of bed in the morning to go to work and to face your bitchy boss. If you truly love your job, there is nothing that will get in your way to doing your best. Am I right, or am I right?

Case in point: My father initially worked for interest. Since he was 10, he decided to be a lawyer. (Note the firm goal) Things went well but since he decided against practicing, his career eventually stayed at Company Secretary (Cosec) and legal advisor. For 16 years. The time was ripe for a change of scene. So he left and agreed to another job. The new job came with an increased salary (increased by half of his former salary), better medical, and as he was told initially, less work and a better position. Unknowingly though, the initial job description did not include frequent trips to and fro between KL and Johor Bahru, finicky and self-centered datuks for company directors, complete lack of work ethics, overt office politics, and worst of all, the company had an indistinct future. For all everyone that worked in that company knew, by next year they would be working somewhere else if lucky and if not, unemployed. Their huge multi-billion-ringgit development project could just crash and burn. 'Cause as of this time, they are just talking and not showing the figures to back their grandiose plans. And this is at a time of major economic recession. Have they been sitting under a goddamn nutshell? Everyone knows that global investors are shying away from making new investments due to the foggy financial future. So I ask, can they still be sunnily optimistic about expecting to build a whole township from scratch and one to rival KL and Singapore put together?

By all means, make your plans. But plan them well and economically. For everybody's sake!

So back to the case of my father. Despite realising that it may not any longer be for interest, he took the job. Now, he is so stressed and overworked. Is it worth it? Having to put up with all that crap at work? I think not. Sure, the money is good, the perks are great, but does the end justify the mean? Does money buy happiness?

Another important detail to mention. We had to cancel our family vacation to Jakarta thanks to those bloody jerks for directors and my father had to get an undeserving earful and work all day on a Saturday... and in Johor. And now I only get to see my father on certain weekends, a few days in the week, and of those normal working days, usually a few hours at night when he's too tired. If I'm lucky. My family is forced to get used to having dinner without him and not talking to him for days at a time. I will not say that my family ties have loosened, but it may be if this keeps up.

I guess, in the end, it is a no win situation. You may have money but you're not so happy. When you're happy, you have no money.

This does not help me in making my decision.

Now, most people would go on and say why they created their respective blogs in their first post. I don't think its necessary simply because isn't it already a well-known fact what it is for? To scribble whatever things that cross your mind and by your own reckoning, suitable for anyone in the World Wide Web to read (unless of course you restrict your blog, I knew that). Sure, some more organised minds are able to write blogs with verve and purpose like for example, a blog solely bent on discussing politics (we all know those) or even shoes (that's more like it).
Unfortunately, as the title of this entire blog suggests, I did not create this blog with a solid purpose in mind. Sorry-lah. Forgive me if my posts will seem all over the place and appear to be, well, just ramblings. Believe me when I say that I don't intend my blog to be popular or anything and you have no inclinations to continue reading if it just is jibberish to you. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Anyway, I don't have any grand plans for this blog as of now. My sudden luxury of time thanks to SPM ending not two weeks ago may have something to do with this blog. To be perfectly honest, I don't really relish the idea some may have about blogs. Sure, its completely up to an individual what he wants on his blog. We know how the Malaysian government is having problems with errant bloggers. Having said that though, to me, a blog should not be the backyard to air out dirty laundry. Or a marketplace to argue and squabble like fishmongers' wives. Frequent cyber-users should all be well-informed how some blogs, no matter how well (or not) their intentions are, turn out to be the spawning ground of defamatory remarks, rumours, lies (god-forbid), deviant religions (to the worst extent), and humiliation for some of the readers. We never know who may be reading our posts. I won't name names here, but I do know for fact that blogs could tell only one side of any story and be completely biased and superficial. What we say could incite anger, hurt, and embarassment in others. To me, one should never think that a blog is a safe place to vent feelings. Again, I stress, ANYONE can read a blog. Try as we might, how censored our words be, many people know how to read between the lines. Even now, as this post is being read, its sting may be felt by those guilty. Know this though, I will stand by my principles of blogging and God punish me if I don't.
I hope this post did not seem too intimidating or scary to say the least. Perhaps this is my first philosophy being published (har-di-har); that is, my philosophy on blogging.
Anyhow, allow me to feel proud of myself for completing my first post. I hope its a harbinger for more good trains of thought worth writing here. So, well, enjoy reading! Don't be shy to comment, it'll probably be for my own good. Hahaa...